humor Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. - Did you really save the world ?...- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot. Blood Rites

2. -Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. Maskerade

3. ... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans. The Name of the Wind

4. ...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep. I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. "He dreams about food," he said. "A lot. The Darkest Minds

5. ...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos. One Foot in the Grave

6. ...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.... Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

7. ...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC. Heartstopper: Volume Two

8. ...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?""In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied. A Game of Thrones

9. ...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library. A Confederacy of Dunces

10. ...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. Moving Pictures

11. ...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything.... Just Plain Weird

12. ...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

13. ...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it. Black Skin, White Masks

14. …well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage. This Side of the Grave

15. "Don't be scared of Bambi" the demon said. "She's only curious and maybe a little bit hungry."The thing was named Bambi?Oh, my God, the thing stared at me like it wanted to eat me. White Hot Kiss

16. (Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)"How do you find America?""Turn left at Greenland.

17. [Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957. Scientific Progress Goes "Boink": A Calvin and Hobbes Collection

18. [In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

19. [Leo] lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was too quick. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Jason’s head, did a flip, and landed next to Leo, his hairy arms around Leo’s waist.Save me? the dwarf pleaded.Get off! Leo tried to shove him away, but Passalos did a backward somersault and landed out of reach. Leo’s pants promptly fell around his knees.He stared at Passalos, who was now grinning and holding a small zigzaggy strip of metal. Somehow, the dwarf had stolen the zipper right off Leo’s pants.Give—stupid—zipper! Leo stuttered, trying to shake his fist and hoist up his pants at the same time.Eh, not shiny enough. Passalos tossed it away. The House of Hades

20. [My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that. The Sea of Monsters

21. [Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?""Not about this.""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google. Feast of Fools

22. *Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book. The Name of This Book Is Secret

23. 25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again. Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

24. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

25. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

26. A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise. Winnie-the-Pooh

27. A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

28. A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this. The Virtues of War

29. A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence. Laughter in the Dark

30. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.