Christopher Moore Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

2. Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe. The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror

3. He was a writer and words were his weapons. Bloodsucking Fiends

4. Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit Coyote Blue

5. I love you above all things, even pie. Fool

6. I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. Practical Demonkeeping

7. I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

8. If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them. Practical Demonkeeping

9. It’s sarcasm, Josh.Sarcasm?It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.There you go, you got it.Got what?Sarcasm.No, I meant it.Sure you did.Is that sarcasm?Irony, I think.What’s the difference?I haven’t the slightest idea.So you’re being ironic now, right?No, I really don’t know.Maybe you should ask the idiot.Now you’ve got it.What?Sarcasm. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

10. Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

11. Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. Coyote Blue

12. People, generally, suck. The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror

13. Routine feeds the illusion of safety... Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

14. She's so small, yet she contains so much evil. Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

15. There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

16. All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right? Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

17. Science, you don't know, looks like magic.