David Sedaris Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

2. As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls

3. At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me. Me Talk Pretty One Day

4. Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two! Me Talk Pretty One Day

5. Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

6. For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called going to sleep but rather passing out, a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. Me Talk Pretty One Day

7. Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

8. Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think. Me Talk Pretty One Day

9. I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

10. If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. Me Talk Pretty One Day

11. Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character. Me Talk Pretty One Day

12. My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.

13. Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. When You Are Engulfed in Flames

14. Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

15. We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail. Naked

16. When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.

17. but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment. Me Talk Pretty One Day

18. Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer. Me Talk Pretty One Day