George Carlin Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

2. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

3. Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'! Brain Droppings

4. Electricity is really just organized lightning

5. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

6. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

7. Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

8. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

9. How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

10. How is it possible to have a civil war?

11. I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

12. I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

13. I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. Brain Droppings

14. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

15. I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

16. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

17. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

19. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

20. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

21. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. Brain Droppings

22. I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. Brain Droppings

23. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

24. I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate. Brain Droppings

25. If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

26. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. Napalm & Silly Putty

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. Brain Droppings

29. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

30. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck