Stephen Colbert Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? I Am America

2. All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. I Am America

3. America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. I Am America

4. Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. I Am America

5. Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. I Am America

6. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

7. Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

8. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. Yes is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes'.

9. So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. I Am America

10. Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

11. Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.