Steven Wright Quotes That Will Inspire You to Live Your Best Life

1. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

3. Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

4. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

5. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

6. I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

7. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

8. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

9. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

10. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

11. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

12. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

13. I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

14. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

15. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

16. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

17. If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

18. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

19. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

20. If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

21. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

22. If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

23. It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

24. It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

25. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

26. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

27. The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

28. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

29. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

30. When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.