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“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.
“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”
“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
“Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”
15 When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
6 What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”