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15 When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
6 What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.