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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
I have a clean conscience—it’s never been used.
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.
I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
