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I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
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I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.
I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I lost an electron. Are you positive?
I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”
I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible. Because I am an eighth-theist.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
