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It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
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It takes guts to be an organ donor.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!
It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.
Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
