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Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
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Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.
Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
