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My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.
My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…
My son chewed on an electrical cord today. Due to his current conduct, I had to ground him.
My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.He wants to be an astronaut.
My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.
My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.