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I used to shower in the night as a kid, then I started showering at morning. The difference was night and day.
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.