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I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.
I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day – but I couldn’t find any.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
