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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
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There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait…
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.
To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.
