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If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
SEE ANSWER
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!
It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.
